Am I the Right Person? Battling self-doubt: My PhD journey
It’s taken me a while to decide how to start this. I want to speak from the heart but I’m afraid of sounding unintelligent, or, I guess, afraid of coming across as dumb. Do you ever feel like this? Scared of judgment? I feel like this ALL the time. Just so I don’t feel that way, I tend to prolong or avoid writing altogether. The only time I don’t feel this way is when I’m writing in a diary, something only I would read. But that’s not ideal for the career path I’ve chosen.
Let me start from the beginning. I’m in my second year of my PhD, researching Black students’ experiences in higher education. This is truly my passion: giving Black students a platform to speak and contributing to making their experiences better, even if only a little. But I can’t help but wonder, “Am I the right person to articulate these students' experiences well enough to be heard?” That’s the main task, really—to make sure my work is compelling enough for the higher-ups to listen to those who are hardly heard. And I find myself asking:
Am I the right person?
This journey has not been easy. From primary education, I’ve never been much of a reader. Peculiar, I know. I preferred physical activities over being “curled up with a good book”. In school, I read just enough to get average grades—or so I thought. I exceeded both mine and my teachers’ expectations. The idea of a life full of continuous learning and education became less unimaginable. Fast forward to university, I continued to read the bare minimum. Anything too complicated, I skipped over. “Work smarter, not harder,” I’d say. But writing a thesis requires both smart and hard work. There are ZERO shortcuts.
I barely understand most journal articles or books on my thesis topic. It’s not what these researchers say but how they say it. Every other word, every other sentence, I find myself looking up in the dictionary. In discussions with other students or academics, I make mental notes of things to look up later, too scared to admit my ignorance. Yet, I’ve chosen a career path to represent my community in spaces where they are hardly present.
Am I the right person?
This question robs me of pride and confidence despite my achievements. It’s kind of funny, actually—being a Black woman in a predominantly white space. I know the statistics and how the sense of belonging works, but I still constantly question myself being here and the worthiness of my work. I’ve recently started attending conferences that showcase the journeys of Black female academics. Before attending these, I must admit that I didn’t think it would help much. I’m not sure why I felt this way but I am so happy I have been going. I think surrounding myself with Black women who have been in the same position as myself at one point and seeing how successful they have been with meeting their life goals is so refreshing. It instils a confidence in me that I didn’t know I could feel.
Despite the negative thoughts and feelings that I still struggle with, I know I belong in academia. How can I make it this far and not feel worthy? Despite underrepresentation, I know I belong here. I need to remember that no one is born knowing everything. It’s not embarrassing to admit I don’t understand every concept or word. Seeking clarification doesn’t mean I’m not intelligent enough to be in this field—it means I’m still learning. And that is just that. I mean it’s not like when I hand in my work I get terrible feedback. In fact, my supervisors are usually quite impressed with what I’ve written. So why can’t I feel the same? Fear. Fear is the bane of my existence. Fear of being judged, more so, judged negatively. Fear of speaking up for those who are not heard, but not being able to speak loud or eloquently enough to be heard myself. But I can’t live in fear. Fear is the devil on my shoulder telling me “I can’t do it”. But I can do it. I can better the lives of those in my community, no matter what mental barriers get in my way.
So, am I the right person?
We need to start telling ourselves that we are the right people. I cannot let fear consume me.
I am the right person.